Islamic guidelines: Practicing Moderation and balance in Marital Life According to Islam

O(caps)ne of the key areas where lack of boundaries is observed in marital life according to Islamic guidelines is the issue of evaluating mutual service and labor. This lack of understanding boundaries is present on both sides - the husband does not appreciate the wife's daily efforts, nor does the wife value the husband's struggles and achievements. This is a significant obstacle to creating a peaceful and harmonious marriage. It is necessary to remove this obstacle by increasing awareness of one's own limits and rights within an Islamic marital framework.

If a spouse knows how much they deserve and how much they don't according to Islamic guidelines, then it becomes possible to evaluate achievements realistically. Otherwise, even after getting everything, it often feels like they didn't get anything deserved. Or even after getting more than deserved, it is taken for granted that the spouse only got what they were owed. In this case, there is no sense of gratitude for the extra efforts; rather, by crossing the limits of rights defined in Islamic teachings, the flaws in the other spouse's service are pointed out. Thus, the courtesy and spontaneous service of the other party are treated with extreme disrespect.  

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Islamic Guidelines in Marital Life: Balancing Rights and Responsibilities

It appears that in recent times, the widespread propagation of rights awareness has created various harmful tendencies in people. It was necessary to make people aware of the limits of their rights as well and to give priority to responsibility propagation. However, due to not paying attention to that side, rights awareness seems to be turning into an aggressive force day by day. A kind of excessive sense of rights is crossing the limits of entitlement and interfering with others' rights as well. As a result, oppression and tyranny are spreading at all levels of society. People are being deprived of their rights, and all kinds of opportunities and facilities are being monopolized by the powerful. The ignorance of having everything is happening.

 

This is undoubtedly a consequence of violating moderation. Only authority is being noticed. It is assumed that all problems can be solved within it. Therefore, only the sense of authority is being provoked. There is a sense of authority but also a sense of responsibility. This one-sided perspective has been active in the marital sphere as well. In families without education and Islamic discussion, it has been like this until now. The so-called modernity or propaganda of new ignorance has been added to it. As a result, there is a lot of increase in this perspective in all those families. Everyone is involved in the struggle to get their rights. In that struggle, a sweet marriage breaks down. To get rid of it, moderation must be made the only way. Each spouse must be introduced to the sense of proportion. It must be understood how much authority there is and discussed in every aspect of marriage.

 

It goes without saying that as the leader of the marital journey, the husband must play a leading role in this matter as well. He must first pay attention to his limits of authority towards his wife. Or how much is his right? The answer is found in the hadith of the Prophet Karim (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). He said:

 

ألا واستوصوا بالنساء خيرا، فإنما هن عوان عندكم ليس تملكون منهن شيئا غير ذلك

 

"Listen! You accept my advice for good conduct towards women. They are stuck with you. You have no right over them except that." (Jame Tirmidhi, Hadith: 1083)

 

This is a part of the farewell sermon given by the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). It contains a fundamental right of the husband over his wife. That is the wife's presence in her husband's house. In other words, the wife is obliged to stay with her husband. This is the husband's right. Therefore, she will not go anywhere or stay anywhere without her husband's permission. She will consider her husband's house as her own home. She will make it her paradise and cooperate with her husband in creating a happy family.

 

Under this basic right, the husband has some more rights over his wife. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said about them:

 

والمرأة راعية في بيت زوجها وهي مسؤلة عن رعتيها

 

"The wife is responsible for her husband's house and she will be questioned about her responsibility." (Sahih Bukhari, Hadith: 2554; Sahih Muslim, Hadith: 4828)

 

That is, it is her duty to protect her husband's house, keep an eye on his property, and take care of his children. This is an explanation of a verse of the Noble Quran. It says:

 

حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ

 

"That is, Allah has entrusted their husbands with their food, clothing, and shelter, so they will also protect their family, children, and chastity in their absence." (Nisa: 34)

 

In another hadith, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

 

لا يحل لامرأة أن تصوم وزوجها شاهد إلا بإذنه، ولا تأذن في بيته إلا بإذنه

 

"It is not lawful for a woman to fast when her husband is present except with his permission, nor to allow anyone in his house except with his permission." (Sahih Bukhari, Hadith: 1595)

Another hadith says,

"If a man calls his wife for his need, then she should come to him, even if she is on the oven

When the husband calls his wife for his special marital need, she should respond to him, even if she is on the stove (cooking) (Jami' at-Tirmidhi, Hadith: 1160; Sunan an-Nasa'i, Hadith: 8971). 

 Islamic Guidelines in Marital Life: Rights and Responsibilities of the Husband and Wife

These hadiths establish the rights of the husband over his wife briefly as follows:

 

1. The wife will take care of the household goods and children.
2. She will not allow anyone to enter the house without her husband's permission.
3. She will surely respond to him when he calls her for his special marital need unless there is a legal excuse.
4. She will stay at her husband's house and will not go anywhere without his permission.

 

These are the rights of the husband over his wife that he deserves from her. According to the commentary of the hadiths, he does not have any other rights over her. Therefore, he cannot claim anything more from her and cannot put pressure on her for anything more. He has to keep his claim within these limits. If he does more, it is up to the wife's discretion. It should be considered as an extra service from her. If husbands appreciated that and considered the difference between the wife's obligatory work and her voluntary service, then married life could be much sweeter.

 

In some countries like Bangladesh, Pakistan, and India, from morning to evening, rather than waking up to going to bed at night, how much of the long time that women do household chores is their husband's rightful duty and how much is extra? Do they ever judge this and if they do, how many of them are there? In most families, whatever the women do is considered their responsibility and obligation. As soon as they wake up, they clean the house, arrange the breakfast and food, prepare everything for the children to go to school, then wash and tidy up everything. Cooking and serving lunch, cleaning the dishes, making evening tea and snacks, arranging dinner, and finally going to bed after putting everything away. And in between all this time, they have to bear the demands of their husband and children. If there are in-laws, they have to serve and care for them, if someone is sick, they have to nurse them and constantly fulfill everyone's dependence on them. In short, being a wife means enduring all kinds of hardships without complaint. Because of social reality, women also think so and so does the mentality of everyone involved. But do any of these tasks fall within their responsibility as wives? What does Sharia say about this? Islamic Sharia is complete! There must be some guidance on this matter too. But how much awareness is being raised about the dissemination and discussion of that guidance? "Enter into Islam completely." (Baqara: 208) Does this command of the Quran Majid not include the whole family system? It certainly does and we have to look for what Islam's guidance is in this regard.

 

In this regard, its guidance is:

 

أن تطعهما إذا طعمت وتكسوها إذا اكتسيت

 

"When you eat, you will feed her and when you wear, you will clothe her" (Abu Dawood, Hadith 2142; Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 18501).

 

This hadith says that the responsibility of feeding and clothing the wife is entirely on the husband. This does not mean that the husband will only buy the food ingredients and be free from the rest and that the wife will cook and make it suitable for eating; rather, it is the husband's responsibility to provide food that is ready to eat. Just as we do not understand in the case of clothing that the husband will buy the thread and the wife will weave and arrange the clothing; rather, we understand that it is the husband's duty to provide suitable clothes for the wife. In fact, the matter of food is also like this. Yes, in this case, Shariah has explained that if women have a habit of cooking in their father's family, then it becomes their moral responsibility to cook in their husband's house. But that is a matter of morality. Islamic law does not oblige them to do this work yet.

Islamic Guidelines in Marital Life: Serving In-Laws and the Rights of the Wife

Serving one's in-laws is an extra task for a wife. It is not her duty. But how does society view this matter? It is assumed that it is her inevitable responsibility; rather, it seems to be her main duty, like a bride is brought for the service of her in-laws. To be more precise, in the view of most of society, a daughter-in-law is brought as a worker. All these are extreme violations of boundaries. Serving one's parents is the responsibility of the child, not the daughter-in-law. The daughter-in-law belongs only to the son, not to his parents. Yes, it is a different matter that an ideal daughter-in-law will respect and treat her husband's parents as her own parents. She will love them sincerely and consider serving them as a great fortune for herself. And they do so in reality, especially those whose mentality has not been covered by the darkness of so-called modernity. But how sweet it would have been if this matter was left to the wife's discretion and it was not made her obligatory duty.

 

Does this unfair obligation not diminish the glory of womanhood? Allah Ta'ala, who has made her a partner in the life journey of man, partly thought, why should she be kept as a servant of the whole family and why should she be deprived of her proper dignity in her service? Is this deprivation her fault? By doing so, is not the husband himself deprived in various ways? How much does he get from a tired wife who works tirelessly? She has no chance to accompany her husband. Does she have any holidays? The husband has holidays. Even if he is a farmer, he has holidays. He has seasons for his work. He has enough rest after the season. The working husbands also have weekly holidays, national holidays, and various other occasions. Apart from that, those who work in offices and courts also enjoy various holidays. But where are the holidays for wives? They have the same duty for three hundred and sixty-five days a year, uninterrupted busyness. The husbands are busy until they return home from office trips on their duty days. Others are more or less the same, but the wives start earlier and end later.

 

Yet according to the commentary of the Quran Majid, one of the main objectives of marriage is:

 

لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا

 

"So that you may find peace (of body and mind) in the presence of your wives" (Rum: 21).

 

But how possible is it for a tired wife to give peace to her husband? Does not one of the main objectives of marriage go away as a result of making them work endlessly? That is why many unequal husbands wander in different ways to find peace and thus not only harm their own character but also ruin their family and society.

Islamic Guidelines in Marital Life: Moderation, Restraint, and Respect for the Wife

The gist of moderation and restraint in Islamic marital life is that a wife should be content with whatever rights she has over her husband. It is not fair to impose anything more on her. Yes, it is different if she does it voluntarily. In that case, her duty is driven by morality. That is, both husband and wife should be clear about how much responsibility they have and what is the need for morality. Whatever the wife does based on her morality, whether it is cooking, serving her in-laws, or something else, she should be seen with respect and independence and not be held accountable for it, but rather be appreciated and considered deserving of praise.

 

She also deserves praise for her obligatory tasks. Because her position is very important for the health and stability of a man's life. Especially in fulfilling a man's paternal desire and enjoying the happiness of children, what is the measure of her role and her sacrifice and patience? Therefore, even when she provides tireless and continuous service in building a family, how much praise she deserves is beyond words. Therefore, she should be given that praise. This is not a matter of generosity; rather it falls within the duty. It cannot be called humane behavior to accept someone's kindness and mercy with indifference. If you praise and thank her for extra service, it will benefit the husband himself. Because she will feel happy. She will have life in her work. Her love for her husband will increase and she will have the strength to endure any hardship or trouble in the marital journey with a smile. How pleasant it is to have such a lively companion in the family world.

 

This is also a claim of limited consciousness that the husband will not cross his own rights. A woman has her own strength outside of her wifehood. She is independent as a human being. She has a separate personality. She has her own sense of experience and preferences. She has her own ownership. The money of the dowry is entirely hers, and she has absolute rights over the inherited property. She can discuss knowledge within the framework of Shariah. There is no obstacle in income and employment. Without violating the husband's rights, she can spend her own time in any work, including employment and knowledge discussion. These are not compatible with the husband's intrusion. These are all personal matters. Interference in this diminishes the dignity of her personality. For a person with a personality, a companion with a personality is desirable. No matter how beautiful and healthy a marriage is, it cannot be formed by a puppet of clay. Therefore, there should be an opportunity for the wife to develop her personality and development. The husband's welfare is also with his wife. Because only a woman with personality, intelligence, and scholarship can complement a man's human dignity. Only such a companion can provide the necessary assistance to her husband and immerse him in physical and mental peace.

Conclusion: Achieving Balance and Harmony in Islamic Marital Life

The guidance provided by Islamic teachings on marital life emphasizes the importance of balance, moderation, and mutual respect between husband and wife. It establishes clear boundaries and rights for each spouse, while also encouraging voluntary acts of service driven by morality and compassion.

 

The key principles that emerge from the Islamic guidelines are:

 

1. The husband has specific rights over the wife, such as her presence in the home, obedience in permissible matters, and fulfilling his marital needs. However, he does not have unlimited authority and must respect the wife's dignity and personal autonomy.
2. The wife's primary obligations are to manage the household, care for the children, and protect the family's honor. However, the responsibility of providing food, clothing, and shelter rests entirely on the husband.
3. Any additional tasks or services performed by the wife, such as cooking, serving in-laws, or other household chores, should be considered voluntary acts driven by her morality and should be appreciated, not taken for granted.
4. Both spouses should be aware of their respective rights and responsibilities, and neither should impose excessive demands or cross boundaries set by Islamic teachings.
5. The wife is an independent human being with her own personality, preferences, and ownership rights. She should have the opportunity to develop herself intellectually and professionally without violating her husband's rights.
6. True marital harmony and peace can only be achieved when the husband acknowledges and appreciates his wife's efforts, both obligatory and voluntary, and treats her with respect and compassion.

 

In essence, Islamic guidelines aim to create a balanced and harmonious marital relationship based on mutual understanding, respect, and the fulfillment of rights and responsibilities by both spouses. By adhering to these principles, couples can foster a loving, peaceful, and fulfilling marriage that serves as a foundation for a strong and prosperous family and society.